Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
