i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize