Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Randomize