the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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