so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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