I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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