I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
where are you?
Hypothermia
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
