I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
