I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Four minutes until I can fart!
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Randomize