Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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