im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
