the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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