Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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