thus making me awesome and them whores
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
