You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
