Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize