I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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