the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
