What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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