So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
