Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
