the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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