I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
