yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
