Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
