Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
