I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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