I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
