Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize