I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
