Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
