the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
