It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
