apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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