Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
