come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize