Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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