I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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