Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
