Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
