the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
