i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
