grandma shit on top of the toilet
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
