i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
