ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
