Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
