How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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