I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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