my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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