it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Text me some of your sweat
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