So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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