i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just want nice things and good sex
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
