I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
