1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
