The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
