I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
