I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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