Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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