So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
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