You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
