took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
